Why Do You Always Wear Black?

That was the question presented to me by one of the 3rd grade girls in my Sunday School class. I was explaining the directions to a game we were getting ready to play & I asked if any one had any questions. One little girl raised her hand. Happy to answer, I asked what her question was, and she very confusedly asked, "Why do you always wear black?" I barely had a second to process the question before the other 10 girls in my class chimed in wanting desperately to know the answer. In my heart there was anxiety, and pressure to give the "right" answer. I immediately responded with, "Well, black reminds me of my sin, and it keeps me humble." I thought that was a good answer, as partially that was true. But unfortunately, it was not good enough to keep them at bay. The next statement was, "Well you would be prettier if you wore some color!" WOW! I was filled with mixed feelings on that, but I immediately answered, "Well, do you think God sees my clothes, or my heart?" (Good opportunity to teach a valuable lesson in vanity and worldliness). One child answered very seriously, "Well, yes, I know He sees your heart, but I still think He'd think you were prettier if you wore color!" I was beat. Though I did spend some time talking to the girls about outward appearance and the attitude of the heart, I could not argue with the logic they presented. We are a visual people, and what we see first is what appeals most to us. The girls assured me that I could still wear my black blazer & black dress pants, but that I should try wearing a colored shirt underneath. I could live with that, so the following week I went in with a red shirt under my black & red earrings & necklace to match. The first thing EVERY girl noticed was that I had worn color. They were quite pleased with themselves, and very happy with me!
So why DO I wear black? Well the truth is, I wear it because it "masks" my overweight body & draws less attention to it. I'm not comfortable in color, though I do wish I could wear it. I'd often wished I could wear all white to represent the purity of Christ and the cleansing that was done on the cross, but putting me in all white would not, in my opinion, be something flattering! Up until this day with my Sunday School class, I had always thought that wearing black would allow people to see "past" me. I truly believed that it drew the attention OFF of me. But they taught me that I was wrong. For them, it drew attention TO me, and each one noticed that I continually wear black without fail. They even decided that they did not like it!! The honesty of children...their hearts so pure. They were not trying to hurt me, they were trying to help me. I began to wonder how many adults I encountered thought the same exact things as those girls, but were too fearful to ask.
Maybe it wasn't even fear, maybe they knew why & didn't want to embarrass me by asking. After all, it's a known fact that black is "slimming". Or maybe they just accepted that wearing black was a decision I made and they didn't really mind. Maybe they thought I looked good! Who really knows why adults never said anything, but the children were bold enough to ask, and in asking, they opened my eyes to their love. They were not judging me, they were showing that they cared for me. They also showed that they did not care that I was overweight. They did not see my body in that black outfit worn week after week, they saw a lack of color. Who was I hiding from? I was apparently not very effective in hiding from them! I do believe that in wearing black, I am hiding from myself. I do not love this body I am in, and it's true, wearing that black does remind me of my sin...the sin of gluttony! If I did not give in to the lusts of my flesh, I would not wear this black jacket all of the time. It is worn outright like a Scarlett Letter, a reminder to myself & others that I am, indeed, fat. Some people don't like when I say that word. They get offended. They prefer "overweight, or "heavy" or "plus sized" or a "big girl" or "large framed" and "big boned". But I just think those are polite ways of saying exactly what I am...fat! I'm not in denial, so why are others? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines fat as "notable for having an unusual amount of fat". It also uses the words "plump" and "obese" as part of it's definition. To "make fat" is to "fatten". Fat is described as "something in excess". The body I walk around in is the direct result of the sin I partake in. I reap the consequences of the seeds I sow. And this bondage I'm in...the chains I wear...they hold me tight. I recently went to a theater rendition of the popular Charles Dickens novel "A Christmas Carol". While watching, I was reminded of those chains. I do not walk in the freedom that is offered to me. Like Jacob Marley, I walk in these chains, bound to my sin. But like Scrooge himself, God has offered me a chance at a new start. Will I, like Scrooge, embrace it and become a "new" person? Or will I, like his business partner Jacob Marley, be destined to walk this earth in the chains I carry? This is something I hope to discover on this, my fight for freedom!