Well, it has been an eventful 10 days. The busyness of the holiday season completely consumed me. I attended & hosted parties & dinners, shopped, worked & just filled my time with so much activity it's hard to remember all I did! What I do remember, however, is that it was good. All of it was good! What a wonderful time of year it turned out to be. I was fearful of my gluttony...fearful of getting dressed...fearful of how I would feel & how I would look. Each day I wrestled with my flesh & there were days my flesh won. What I learned, however, was that I WAS able to get right back up. I WAS able to move on. I WAS able to learn from each mistake. I would be at a party/dinner & decide to eat & rather than beat myself up over it I decided to be thankful for the food & the fellowship & remind myself that it was a treat & a blessing at that & the next day would be a new one. I learned that I can enjoy the taste of the food without eating it until there was nothing left. I learned that it is only sinful to eat it if I OVER eat it. Usually I consume so much at one sitting for fear that I will not get the chance to eat it again. Sometimes I eat so much I make myself sick simply because I love the taste of the food. Sometimes I don't really LOVE the particular food I'm eating, but I love the thought of eating it so much that I consume it anyway. Over this holiday, I learned that I give the food the power, it has none on it's own, and the food is not the problem as much as my fear of never having it again is. For the first time I stopped beating myself up over the choices I made, and learned that my focus on food far surpasses my focus on God, and that if I focused more on Him, the desire for food would be second, not first!
As I embark upon this day, I seek to renew my mind, and enjoy each opportunity that befalls me. I pray you do the same!
God Bless!
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
Cookie Meltdown
Well, Friday I attended an absolutely wonderful cookie baking party with some people from my co-op group. I was really looking forward to going, and I promised myself I wouldn't sit there & eat mass amounts of cookies.
The thing about promises, however, is that it seems they are meant to be broken.
I packed myself some water & fruit. I knew that the hostess was offering vegetable soup for lunch. I was set. Unfortunately, once I looked at & smelled that vast array of cookies, I was acting like Snuffles the dog of the Hannah Barbera Quick Draw McGraw cartoon series. For those of you who are not familiar with Snuffles, "he was a plump brown dog that was called into action when equine marshal Quick Draw McGraw was on the trail of a bad guy. But before Snuffles would use his "sniffing" abilities to track down the criminals, he first had to be fed a special doggie-biskit treat. Pointing to his mouth, Snuffles directed Quick Draw to feed him. When Snuffles swallowed his doggie treat, he began to joyfully swoon with delight (voiced by Daws Butler), hug himself, levitate into mid-air and then slowly return to earth as he concluded his orgasmic eating frenzy. In general, if Snuffles didn't receive a treat, he refused to do his tracking duties. So, Quick Draw made certain that he kept doggie treats in his arsenal of weapons. But sometimes, the supply ran low and that's when Snuffles showed his semi-loyalty to his job." Wow! I knew there was a cartoon character out there for me to identify with, but I never realized that Snuffles was the one! Unfortunately, unlike Snuffles, my eating frenzies cause me to gain unwanted weight & to put my health in jeopardy. I'm apparently as disloyal to my Commanding Officer as he is to his! Looks like I'm gonna have to try my best to shed that character trait!
Once I gave in to my first cookie, I was on a roll. I do believe I ate about 3 dozen cookies before the night was over. Feeling defeated once again, I just continued to eat into the next day. After purposefully choosing meditative sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed. I went to bed talking in my mind to myself, and consoling myself by telling myself I can overcome while at the same time envisioning myself thinner. I woke up hearing a voice in my head that clearly spoke 1 Corinthians 9:24, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you can obtain it." I heard this over & over again. I always feel differently when I hear confirmation from God's word. This is no exception. Is it any wonder why it is so important to constantly fill up on God's word?
I decided to look up some stuff on running a race, and I came upon "Running the Christian Race with Self-Control". It has so much wonderful stuff in it. Click that link if you want to read more. I'm going to study it a bit, then reflect on my own feelings regarding the subject.
Thank the Lord that His mercies are new every morning!
God bless!!
The thing about promises, however, is that it seems they are meant to be broken.
I packed myself some water & fruit. I knew that the hostess was offering vegetable soup for lunch. I was set. Unfortunately, once I looked at & smelled that vast array of cookies, I was acting like Snuffles the dog of the Hannah Barbera Quick Draw McGraw cartoon series. For those of you who are not familiar with Snuffles, "he was a plump brown dog that was called into action when equine marshal Quick Draw McGraw was on the trail of a bad guy. But before Snuffles would use his "sniffing" abilities to track down the criminals, he first had to be fed a special doggie-biskit treat. Pointing to his mouth, Snuffles directed Quick Draw to feed him. When Snuffles swallowed his doggie treat, he began to joyfully swoon with delight (voiced by Daws Butler), hug himself, levitate into mid-air and then slowly return to earth as he concluded his orgasmic eating frenzy. In general, if Snuffles didn't receive a treat, he refused to do his tracking duties. So, Quick Draw made certain that he kept doggie treats in his arsenal of weapons. But sometimes, the supply ran low and that's when Snuffles showed his semi-loyalty to his job." Wow! I knew there was a cartoon character out there for me to identify with, but I never realized that Snuffles was the one! Unfortunately, unlike Snuffles, my eating frenzies cause me to gain unwanted weight & to put my health in jeopardy. I'm apparently as disloyal to my Commanding Officer as he is to his! Looks like I'm gonna have to try my best to shed that character trait!
Once I gave in to my first cookie, I was on a roll. I do believe I ate about 3 dozen cookies before the night was over. Feeling defeated once again, I just continued to eat into the next day. After purposefully choosing meditative sleep, I woke up feeling refreshed. I went to bed talking in my mind to myself, and consoling myself by telling myself I can overcome while at the same time envisioning myself thinner. I woke up hearing a voice in my head that clearly spoke 1 Corinthians 9:24, "Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you can obtain it." I heard this over & over again. I always feel differently when I hear confirmation from God's word. This is no exception. Is it any wonder why it is so important to constantly fill up on God's word?
I decided to look up some stuff on running a race, and I came upon "Running the Christian Race with Self-Control". It has so much wonderful stuff in it. Click that link if you want to read more. I'm going to study it a bit, then reflect on my own feelings regarding the subject.
Thank the Lord that His mercies are new every morning!
God bless!!
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Different Strokes For Different Folks
When I went about this quest for freedom, I met with some negative responses. “Why can’t you just try a different diet?”, “There are plenty of diets out there that change your way of eating and help you lose weight!”, “ What’s with all this demon talk? Maybe you just haven’t found the right diet yet!” There were more, but you get the idea.
Different people like or need different things, and this quest I am on is no different. Sure, there are some excellent diets out there, and a lot of them really work well. There are a lot of great eating plans out there, rich in information, and full of life giving foods. But this is not about diets. If I could successfully follow a diet plan, or healthy eating program, I would not be in this position today. I do believe, however, that once this yoke is broken, it is important to care for my body, God’s temple. This includes eating well & exercising.
That, however, is for another time.
Following excerpts from Joyce Myers book, Battlefield Of The Mind
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3682.html(see link on side bar), I’ve responded to some questions, by making the scenarios she used my own. In writing it, it makes perfect sense.
Anything said by Joyce, and my inclusions of the insertion of my own name, have been highlighted in green, so I do not get the credit for what she said. I tried to mark clearly what was referenced by Joyce, so hopefully no one will mistake it for copyright infringement.
Joyce uses the examples of 2 people having a struggle in their marriage. They are Mary & John. When I read their stories, it was amazing how similar their scenarios were to my own. It was clear to me that Satan uses so many similar devices to enslave all of God’s children. On the flip side, God allows this, and in our similarities we can uplift, support & encourage one another. We can acknowledge the enemy’s lies & expose the truth.
I know that what I’m doing is wrong. I know that my gluttonous behavior has really gotten out of control. I DO want things to be different. I DO want to be free from this bondage. I’ve asked for prayer over & over again but I still see no changes in my life.
Why not? Joyce points out that the answer is found in Romans 12:2: Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
Like Mary, of whom Joyce uses as an example, I, too, have strongholds in my mind. They have been there for years. Unlike Mary, however, I understand how they got there. I know I should not partake in gluttony, but like Mary, I can't control my actions. Likewise, I can't control my actions because I don’t control my thoughts. I don’t control my thoughts because there are strongholds in my mind that the devil set up early in my life.
Satan begins to initiate his well-laid plans and to sow his deliberate deception at a very young age. In my case, as in Mary’s, and many others, the problems started long ago, in childhood.
My childhood was a lot like Mary’s. As children, we both had an extremely domineering father who often spanked us just because he was in a bad mood. If we made one wrong move, he would vent his anger on us. For years, we suffered helplessly as our father’s mistreated us and our mother‘s. He was disrespectful in all his ways toward his wife and daughter. Both of our brothers, however, could do no wrong. It seemed as if they were favored just because they were boys.
When I read Mary’s story, it was so strange to me how similar our lives were. I’m sure there are many of you out there reading this right now who are identifying with the very same thing. In addition to the issues I share with Mary, I also share issues with John. The three of us have “mindsets” that open the door for the devil to hold us captive. Like Mary & John, I was verbally abused in childhood. My father also had a sharp tongue and frequently said hurtful things to me, things like: “Michelle, you're such a mess; you'll never amount to anything.”
My father & my grandfather never missed the chance at reminding me of how “fat” I was. I looked back at pictures of myself recently of when I was a child. It saddens me to think that they could have considered me fat. It didn’t help that most of my cousins were extra thin, but in no way should I have been considered fat. It just wasn’t so! But hearing it consistently made me believe it.
Like John, I tried hard to please my father because I craved his approval (as all children do); but the harder I tried, the more mistakes I made.
All of the efforts I put into losing weight failed, so, like John, I decided it really wasn’t worth the effort. I’d believe that I was going to gain the weight in the end anyway, so why keep trying to fight this? On top of all of this, I was a victim of sexual molestation, and like Mary, by the time I was sixteen, I, too, had been brain-washed for years by Satan who had told lies that went something like this: “Men really think they are something. They are all alike; you can't trust them. They will hurt you and take advantage of you. If you're a man, you've got it made in life. You can do anything you want. You can order people around, be the boss, treat people any way you please and nobody (especially not wives or daughters) can do anything about it.” Between the thoughts I shared with Mary & the thoughts I shared with John, my mind was completely filled with attitude & anger. Satan had been raging war on the battlefield of my mind. Like Mary and John, I played those thoughts over & over for years in my mind. Is it any wonder that now, at 42 years old, I cannot move forward? I live in those lies in my mind, and though I want them to go away, they just don’t. We are supposed to love ourselves. How can we love something we believe is so ugly? And if we can’t love ourselves, how can we love others? What a great tactic of the enemy! Not only does he use us against ourselves, but he uses us against others.
Joyce answers the question, “What can any of us do in such a situation?”
…If you abide in My word [hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples.
And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
John 8:31,32
The following are excerpts from her book, Battlefield Of The Mind….
“ Here (referring to the scripture just mentioned) Jesus tells us how we are to win the victory over the lies of Satan. We must get the knowledge of God's truth in us, renew our minds with His Word, then use the weapons of 2 Corinthians 10:4,5 to tear down strongholds and every high and lofty thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.
These “weapons” are the Word received through preaching, teaching, books, tapes, seminars and private Bible study. But we must “abide” (continue) in the Word until it becomes revelation given by inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Continuing is important. In Mark 4:24 Jesus says, ...The measure [of thought and study! you give [to the truth you hear] will be the measure [of virtue and knowledge] that comes back to you.... I repeat, we must continue using the weapon of the Word.
Two other spiritual weapons available to us are praise and prayer. Praise defeats the devil quicker than any other battle plan, but it must be genuine heart praise, not just lip service or a method being tried to see if it works. Also, praise and prayer both involve the Word. We praise God according to His Word and His goodness.
Prayer is relationship with the Godhead. It is coming and asking for help or talking to God about something that bothers us.
If you want to have an effective prayer life, develop a good personal relationship with the Father. Know that He loves you, that He is full of mercy, that He will help you. Get to know Jesus. He is your Friend. He died for you. Get to know the Holy Spirit. He is with you all the time as your Helper. Let Him help you.
Learn to fill your prayers with the Word of God. God's Word and our need is the basis on which we come to Him.
So, our weapons are the Word used in various ways. As Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians, our weapons are not carnal (fleshly) weapons; they are spiritual. We need spiritual weapons because we are fighting master spirits, yes, even the devil himself. Even Jesus used the weapon of the Word in the wilderness to defeat the devil. (Luke 4:1-13.) Each time the devil lied to Him, Jesus responded with, “It is written,” and quoted him the Word. “
As we learn to use our weapons, we, like Mary, will begin to tear down the strongholds that have been built in our minds. We will know the truth & the truth will set us free.
As Joyce says,
“Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.
Everyone is without excuse because Jesus always stands ready to fulfill His promise to set the captives free. He will walk us across the finish line of victory in any area if we are willing to go all the way through it with Him.”
THE WAY OUT
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it comes or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I hope you see from this parable-type example how Satan takes our circumstances and builds strongholds in our lives-how he wages war on the battlefield of the mind. But, thank God, we have weapons to tear down the strongholds. God doesn't abandon us and leave us helpless. First Corinthians 10:13 promises us that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but with every temptation He will also provide the way out, the escape.
Any one of us may be Mary or John. I am sure that most of us relate in some way to the scenario. Their problems are internal-in their thoughts and attitudes. Their outward behavior is only a result of their inner life. Satan knows well that if he can control our thoughts, he can control our actions.
You may have some major strongholds in your life that need to be broken. Let me encourage you by saying, “God is on your side.” There is a war going on, and your mind is the battlefield. But the good news is that God is fighting on your side.”
If you haven’t read Joyce’s book yet, you might want to get it. Click on the link on the sidebar that says, “The Mind Is The Battlefield” and it will take you to the site. Most of this post was taken from her article on the web, and I added my own thoughts in here & there. I sincerely hope it has challenged you as it has me!
Remember…there is a devil…there is an enemy of God…he DOES want to destroy us, and we CAN be free! Different strokes for different folks for sure, and for me, it’s not just about a diet that will help me to lose weight. It’s about my quest for freedom from the bondage I have allowed the enemy to place me in!
God bless!
Different people like or need different things, and this quest I am on is no different. Sure, there are some excellent diets out there, and a lot of them really work well. There are a lot of great eating plans out there, rich in information, and full of life giving foods. But this is not about diets. If I could successfully follow a diet plan, or healthy eating program, I would not be in this position today. I do believe, however, that once this yoke is broken, it is important to care for my body, God’s temple. This includes eating well & exercising.
That, however, is for another time.
Following excerpts from Joyce Myers book, Battlefield Of The Mind
http://www.enotalone.com/article/3682.html(see link on side bar), I’ve responded to some questions, by making the scenarios she used my own. In writing it, it makes perfect sense.
Anything said by Joyce, and my inclusions of the insertion of my own name, have been highlighted in green, so I do not get the credit for what she said. I tried to mark clearly what was referenced by Joyce, so hopefully no one will mistake it for copyright infringement.
Joyce uses the examples of 2 people having a struggle in their marriage. They are Mary & John. When I read their stories, it was amazing how similar their scenarios were to my own. It was clear to me that Satan uses so many similar devices to enslave all of God’s children. On the flip side, God allows this, and in our similarities we can uplift, support & encourage one another. We can acknowledge the enemy’s lies & expose the truth.
I know that what I’m doing is wrong. I know that my gluttonous behavior has really gotten out of control. I DO want things to be different. I DO want to be free from this bondage. I’ve asked for prayer over & over again but I still see no changes in my life.
Why not? Joyce points out that the answer is found in Romans 12:2: Do not be conformed to this world (this age), [fashioned after and adapted to its external, superficial customs], but be transformed (changed) by the [entire] renewal of your mind [by its new ideals and its new attitude], so that you may prove [for yourselves] what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God, even the thing which is good and acceptable and perfect [in His sight for you].
Like Mary, of whom Joyce uses as an example, I, too, have strongholds in my mind. They have been there for years. Unlike Mary, however, I understand how they got there. I know I should not partake in gluttony, but like Mary, I can't control my actions. Likewise, I can't control my actions because I don’t control my thoughts. I don’t control my thoughts because there are strongholds in my mind that the devil set up early in my life.
Satan begins to initiate his well-laid plans and to sow his deliberate deception at a very young age. In my case, as in Mary’s, and many others, the problems started long ago, in childhood.
My childhood was a lot like Mary’s. As children, we both had an extremely domineering father who often spanked us just because he was in a bad mood. If we made one wrong move, he would vent his anger on us. For years, we suffered helplessly as our father’s mistreated us and our mother‘s. He was disrespectful in all his ways toward his wife and daughter. Both of our brothers, however, could do no wrong. It seemed as if they were favored just because they were boys.
When I read Mary’s story, it was so strange to me how similar our lives were. I’m sure there are many of you out there reading this right now who are identifying with the very same thing. In addition to the issues I share with Mary, I also share issues with John. The three of us have “mindsets” that open the door for the devil to hold us captive. Like Mary & John, I was verbally abused in childhood. My father also had a sharp tongue and frequently said hurtful things to me, things like: “Michelle, you're such a mess; you'll never amount to anything.”
My father & my grandfather never missed the chance at reminding me of how “fat” I was. I looked back at pictures of myself recently of when I was a child. It saddens me to think that they could have considered me fat. It didn’t help that most of my cousins were extra thin, but in no way should I have been considered fat. It just wasn’t so! But hearing it consistently made me believe it.
Like John, I tried hard to please my father because I craved his approval (as all children do); but the harder I tried, the more mistakes I made.
All of the efforts I put into losing weight failed, so, like John, I decided it really wasn’t worth the effort. I’d believe that I was going to gain the weight in the end anyway, so why keep trying to fight this? On top of all of this, I was a victim of sexual molestation, and like Mary, by the time I was sixteen, I, too, had been brain-washed for years by Satan who had told lies that went something like this: “Men really think they are something. They are all alike; you can't trust them. They will hurt you and take advantage of you. If you're a man, you've got it made in life. You can do anything you want. You can order people around, be the boss, treat people any way you please and nobody (especially not wives or daughters) can do anything about it.” Between the thoughts I shared with Mary & the thoughts I shared with John, my mind was completely filled with attitude & anger. Satan had been raging war on the battlefield of my mind. Like Mary and John, I played those thoughts over & over for years in my mind. Is it any wonder that now, at 42 years old, I cannot move forward? I live in those lies in my mind, and though I want them to go away, they just don’t. We are supposed to love ourselves. How can we love something we believe is so ugly? And if we can’t love ourselves, how can we love others? What a great tactic of the enemy! Not only does he use us against ourselves, but he uses us against others.
Joyce answers the question, “What can any of us do in such a situation?”
…If you abide in My word [hold fast to My teachings and live in accordance with them], you are truly My disciples.
And you will know the Truth, and the Truth will set you free.
John 8:31,32
The following are excerpts from her book, Battlefield Of The Mind….
“ Here (referring to the scripture just mentioned) Jesus tells us how we are to win the victory over the lies of Satan. We must get the knowledge of God's truth in us, renew our minds with His Word, then use the weapons of 2 Corinthians 10:4,5 to tear down strongholds and every high and lofty thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God.
These “weapons” are the Word received through preaching, teaching, books, tapes, seminars and private Bible study. But we must “abide” (continue) in the Word until it becomes revelation given by inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Continuing is important. In Mark 4:24 Jesus says, ...The measure [of thought and study! you give [to the truth you hear] will be the measure [of virtue and knowledge] that comes back to you.... I repeat, we must continue using the weapon of the Word.
Two other spiritual weapons available to us are praise and prayer. Praise defeats the devil quicker than any other battle plan, but it must be genuine heart praise, not just lip service or a method being tried to see if it works. Also, praise and prayer both involve the Word. We praise God according to His Word and His goodness.
Prayer is relationship with the Godhead. It is coming and asking for help or talking to God about something that bothers us.
If you want to have an effective prayer life, develop a good personal relationship with the Father. Know that He loves you, that He is full of mercy, that He will help you. Get to know Jesus. He is your Friend. He died for you. Get to know the Holy Spirit. He is with you all the time as your Helper. Let Him help you.
Learn to fill your prayers with the Word of God. God's Word and our need is the basis on which we come to Him.
So, our weapons are the Word used in various ways. As Paul tells us in 2 Corinthians, our weapons are not carnal (fleshly) weapons; they are spiritual. We need spiritual weapons because we are fighting master spirits, yes, even the devil himself. Even Jesus used the weapon of the Word in the wilderness to defeat the devil. (Luke 4:1-13.) Each time the devil lied to Him, Jesus responded with, “It is written,” and quoted him the Word. “
As we learn to use our weapons, we, like Mary, will begin to tear down the strongholds that have been built in our minds. We will know the truth & the truth will set us free.
As Joyce says,
“Our past may explain why we're suffering, but we must not use it as an excuse to stay in bondage.
Everyone is without excuse because Jesus always stands ready to fulfill His promise to set the captives free. He will walk us across the finish line of victory in any area if we are willing to go all the way through it with Him.”
THE WAY OUT
For no temptation (no trial regarded as enticing to sin, no matter how it comes or where it leads) has overtaken you and laid hold on you that is not common to man [that is, no temptation or trial has come to you that is beyond human resistance and that is not adjusted and adapted and belonging to human experience, and such as man can bear]. But God is faithful [to His Word and to His compassionate nature], and He [can be trusted] not to let you be tempted and tried and assayed beyond your ability and strength of resistance and power to endure, but with the temptation He will [always] also provide the way out (the means of escape to a landing place), that you may be capable and strong and powerful to bear up under it patiently.
1 Corinthians 10:13
I hope you see from this parable-type example how Satan takes our circumstances and builds strongholds in our lives-how he wages war on the battlefield of the mind. But, thank God, we have weapons to tear down the strongholds. God doesn't abandon us and leave us helpless. First Corinthians 10:13 promises us that God will not allow us to be tempted beyond what we can bear, but with every temptation He will also provide the way out, the escape.
Any one of us may be Mary or John. I am sure that most of us relate in some way to the scenario. Their problems are internal-in their thoughts and attitudes. Their outward behavior is only a result of their inner life. Satan knows well that if he can control our thoughts, he can control our actions.
You may have some major strongholds in your life that need to be broken. Let me encourage you by saying, “God is on your side.” There is a war going on, and your mind is the battlefield. But the good news is that God is fighting on your side.”
If you haven’t read Joyce’s book yet, you might want to get it. Click on the link on the sidebar that says, “The Mind Is The Battlefield” and it will take you to the site. Most of this post was taken from her article on the web, and I added my own thoughts in here & there. I sincerely hope it has challenged you as it has me!
Remember…there is a devil…there is an enemy of God…he DOES want to destroy us, and we CAN be free! Different strokes for different folks for sure, and for me, it’s not just about a diet that will help me to lose weight. It’s about my quest for freedom from the bondage I have allowed the enemy to place me in!
God bless!
Why Do You Always Wear Black?
That was the question presented to me by one of the 3rd grade girls in my Sunday School class. I was explaining the directions to a game we were getting ready to play & I asked if any one had any questions. One little girl raised her hand. Happy to answer, I asked what her question was, and she very confusedly asked, "Why do you always wear black?" I barely had a second to process the question before the other 10 girls in my class chimed in wanting desperately to know the answer. In my heart there was anxiety, and pressure to give the "right" answer. I immediately responded with, "Well, black reminds me of my sin, and it keeps me humble." I thought that was a good answer, as partially that was true. But unfortunately, it was not good enough to keep them at bay. The next statement was, "Well you would be prettier if you wore some color!" WOW! I was filled with mixed feelings on that, but I immediately answered, "Well, do you think God sees my clothes, or my heart?" (Good opportunity to teach a valuable lesson in vanity and worldliness). One child answered very seriously, "Well, yes, I know He sees your heart, but I still think He'd think you were prettier if you wore color!" I was beat. Though I did spend some time talking to the girls about outward appearance and the attitude of the heart, I could not argue with the logic they presented. We are a visual people, and what we see first is what appeals most to us. The girls assured me that I could still wear my black blazer & black dress pants, but that I should try wearing a colored shirt underneath. I could live with that, so the following week I went in with a red shirt under my black & red earrings & necklace to match. The first thing EVERY girl noticed was that I had worn color. They were quite pleased with themselves, and very happy with me!
So why DO I wear black? Well the truth is, I wear it because it "masks" my overweight body & draws less attention to it. I'm not comfortable in color, though I do wish I could wear it. I'd often wished I could wear all white to represent the purity of Christ and the cleansing that was done on the cross, but putting me in all white would not, in my opinion, be something flattering! Up until this day with my Sunday School class, I had always thought that wearing black would allow people to see "past" me. I truly believed that it drew the attention OFF of me. But they taught me that I was wrong. For them, it drew attention TO me, and each one noticed that I continually wear black without fail. They even decided that they did not like it!! The honesty of children...their hearts so pure. They were not trying to hurt me, they were trying to help me. I began to wonder how many adults I encountered thought the same exact things as those girls, but were too fearful to ask.
Maybe it wasn't even fear, maybe they knew why & didn't want to embarrass me by asking. After all, it's a known fact that black is "slimming". Or maybe they just accepted that wearing black was a decision I made and they didn't really mind. Maybe they thought I looked good! Who really knows why adults never said anything, but the children were bold enough to ask, and in asking, they opened my eyes to their love. They were not judging me, they were showing that they cared for me. They also showed that they did not care that I was overweight. They did not see my body in that black outfit worn week after week, they saw a lack of color. Who was I hiding from? I was apparently not very effective in hiding from them! I do believe that in wearing black, I am hiding from myself. I do not love this body I am in, and it's true, wearing that black does remind me of my sin...the sin of gluttony! If I did not give in to the lusts of my flesh, I would not wear this black jacket all of the time. It is worn outright like a Scarlett Letter, a reminder to myself & others that I am, indeed, fat. Some people don't like when I say that word. They get offended. They prefer "overweight, or "heavy" or "plus sized" or a "big girl" or "large framed" and "big boned". But I just think those are polite ways of saying exactly what I am...fat! I'm not in denial, so why are others? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines fat as "notable for having an unusual amount of fat". It also uses the words "plump" and "obese" as part of it's definition. To "make fat" is to "fatten". Fat is described as "something in excess". The body I walk around in is the direct result of the sin I partake in. I reap the consequences of the seeds I sow. And this bondage I'm in...the chains I wear...they hold me tight. I recently went to a theater rendition of the popular Charles Dickens novel "A Christmas Carol". While watching, I was reminded of those chains. I do not walk in the freedom that is offered to me. Like Jacob Marley, I walk in these chains, bound to my sin. But like Scrooge himself, God has offered me a chance at a new start. Will I, like Scrooge, embrace it and become a "new" person? Or will I, like his business partner Jacob Marley, be destined to walk this earth in the chains I carry? This is something I hope to discover on this, my fight for freedom!
So why DO I wear black? Well the truth is, I wear it because it "masks" my overweight body & draws less attention to it. I'm not comfortable in color, though I do wish I could wear it. I'd often wished I could wear all white to represent the purity of Christ and the cleansing that was done on the cross, but putting me in all white would not, in my opinion, be something flattering! Up until this day with my Sunday School class, I had always thought that wearing black would allow people to see "past" me. I truly believed that it drew the attention OFF of me. But they taught me that I was wrong. For them, it drew attention TO me, and each one noticed that I continually wear black without fail. They even decided that they did not like it!! The honesty of children...their hearts so pure. They were not trying to hurt me, they were trying to help me. I began to wonder how many adults I encountered thought the same exact things as those girls, but were too fearful to ask.
Maybe it wasn't even fear, maybe they knew why & didn't want to embarrass me by asking. After all, it's a known fact that black is "slimming". Or maybe they just accepted that wearing black was a decision I made and they didn't really mind. Maybe they thought I looked good! Who really knows why adults never said anything, but the children were bold enough to ask, and in asking, they opened my eyes to their love. They were not judging me, they were showing that they cared for me. They also showed that they did not care that I was overweight. They did not see my body in that black outfit worn week after week, they saw a lack of color. Who was I hiding from? I was apparently not very effective in hiding from them! I do believe that in wearing black, I am hiding from myself. I do not love this body I am in, and it's true, wearing that black does remind me of my sin...the sin of gluttony! If I did not give in to the lusts of my flesh, I would not wear this black jacket all of the time. It is worn outright like a Scarlett Letter, a reminder to myself & others that I am, indeed, fat. Some people don't like when I say that word. They get offended. They prefer "overweight, or "heavy" or "plus sized" or a "big girl" or "large framed" and "big boned". But I just think those are polite ways of saying exactly what I am...fat! I'm not in denial, so why are others? The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines fat as "notable for having an unusual amount of fat". It also uses the words "plump" and "obese" as part of it's definition. To "make fat" is to "fatten". Fat is described as "something in excess". The body I walk around in is the direct result of the sin I partake in. I reap the consequences of the seeds I sow. And this bondage I'm in...the chains I wear...they hold me tight. I recently went to a theater rendition of the popular Charles Dickens novel "A Christmas Carol". While watching, I was reminded of those chains. I do not walk in the freedom that is offered to me. Like Jacob Marley, I walk in these chains, bound to my sin. But like Scrooge himself, God has offered me a chance at a new start. Will I, like Scrooge, embrace it and become a "new" person? Or will I, like his business partner Jacob Marley, be destined to walk this earth in the chains I carry? This is something I hope to discover on this, my fight for freedom!
Monday, December 10, 2007
Confessions Of A "Food" Addict
Well it's been quite some time since I've written. Seven days to be exact. At first I got real busy, and then, I just slipped back into my old, undisciplined ways. My 10 day journey really opened my eyes to many things, and yet, when it was all said & done I found myself only slightly better than I had started. Once I allowed food to re enter my life, I was up against a greater challenge than any fast has ever presented me with....the challenge of eating. I failed miserably, and beat myself up far too much over it. I love food way more than I ever thought I did. Though I tried to comply with a very good eating plan, I could not stick with it. The desire for food simply enticed me too much, and I did not heed my knowledge of asking God for help when I was tempted. I understand that I simply cannot do this without God's help, and yet I blatantly ignore the Holy Spirit who gently reminds me that I am giving in to temptation. My god truly is my belly, and if I do not give up the worship of this false god, I know the Lord will harden my heart. When I fall down, I beat myself up and have a hard time accepting the forgiveness that is offered in Christ. I become so angry with myself that I simply give in to my sin, feeling beaten & tired from the fight. I recognize what is happening, however, and I cannot let it keep hold of me. The desire for food definitely keeps me from fellowship with God. All of the focus I should be putting on Him, I put on food. I dream about it, I obsess over it, I spend way too much time with it, it consumes my every thought! I enjoy everything about it EXCEPT the way it makes me feel after I've eaten way too much of it. As I've stated before, the battle is in the mind. If we bring the mind into submission, the body will follow.
Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
I have not yet achieved this state of submission, but I'm not giving up on it. I cannot stick to anything without prayer & meditation, and it has to be in the morning to give me strength for the day. Psalm 5:3 says, "In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch."
Psalm 88:13 says, "But I, O LORD, have cried out to You for help, And in the morning my prayer comes before You."
It is clear to me what has happened this time, and has no doubt been the same thing that has happened the many other times I have "fallen off the horse". I neglected my morning ritual once and could not get it back again. Once I got in the habit of spending my time with the Lord early in the morning, before the house awakened and the calls of food were strong enough to completely lure me in, my desire to be with God surpassed all other desires. I could hear His voice. I learned & I understood. I let His Word speak to me & through me. Once the day begins, the trappings of the world blur my eyes & I cannot see as clearly, so it is imperative that I spend my time with the Lord first thing in the morning. He is my source of strength.
When I am fasting, there is such a great closeness to the Lord. He is all I think about, and when temptation is presented to me, I am able to fight it so much better, for it is He who is within me that fights. It is always He who is within me that fights, but when I am not fasting, I am not as "in tune" to the fight and when I neglect my morning time with the Lord, I am fighting a battle that I simply cannot win. I cannot win this without the Lord's help. I cannot hear His voice when I am not listening. Psalm 46 is a great read. Verse 1 & verse 10 are wonderful encouragements to my soul. 1 "God is our refuge & strength. A very present help in times of trouble" and 10"Be still and know that I am God". It is so hard to "be still" when we're always trying to figure everything out, isn't it? We are a pride filled people, consumed by our flesh, and only by submission to the Spirit within us will we be able to fight this flesh. Paul said, in Romans 7:24, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of death?" I identify with these words far more than I'd like to. I find myself crying out continually. Paul knew exactly what it was to wrestle with his flesh. Romans 7 described his fight, and identifies ours. He knew the power of the mind, and he knew the importance of strengthening the Spirit. In Romans 7:25 he says, "I thank God - through Jesus Christ our LORD! So then, with the mind I serve the law of God, but with the flesh, the law of sin." But Paul encourages us in this fight, and he reminds us of something very important in Romans 8: 1-2,
"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." AMEN!! There is NO condemnation! God doesn't want us to sit by & wallow in our self pity. Those are self defeating behaviors that the enemy takes great pleasure in, as they draw us away from God & lure us into a state of depression. One of my favorite verses in times of trouble is in Isaiah 43:1b-3a, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
God is good...He is faithful. Yes, I have fallen off of my horse, and no doubt you will too at some point, but remember, EVERY rider falls. If you want to be one of best riders, you have to get back on.
Today is a new morning. My slate has been wiped clean & I will start all over again. God is merciful and compassionate. He knows my struggle and He loves me through it. I put my hope & trust in Him.
I leave you with this....
Lamentations 3:22-24 "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning! Great is Your Faithfulness! 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!' "
God bless you in your fight for freedom!
Romans 12:1-2 "I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is the good and acceptable and perfect will of God."
I have not yet achieved this state of submission, but I'm not giving up on it. I cannot stick to anything without prayer & meditation, and it has to be in the morning to give me strength for the day. Psalm 5:3 says, "In the morning, O LORD, You will hear my voice; In the morning I will order my prayer to You and eagerly watch."
Psalm 88:13 says, "But I, O LORD, have cried out to You for help, And in the morning my prayer comes before You."
It is clear to me what has happened this time, and has no doubt been the same thing that has happened the many other times I have "fallen off the horse". I neglected my morning ritual once and could not get it back again. Once I got in the habit of spending my time with the Lord early in the morning, before the house awakened and the calls of food were strong enough to completely lure me in, my desire to be with God surpassed all other desires. I could hear His voice. I learned & I understood. I let His Word speak to me & through me. Once the day begins, the trappings of the world blur my eyes & I cannot see as clearly, so it is imperative that I spend my time with the Lord first thing in the morning. He is my source of strength.
When I am fasting, there is such a great closeness to the Lord. He is all I think about, and when temptation is presented to me, I am able to fight it so much better, for it is He who is within me that fights. It is always He who is within me that fights, but when I am not fasting, I am not as "in tune" to the fight and when I neglect my morning time with the Lord, I am fighting a battle that I simply cannot win. I cannot win this without the Lord's help. I cannot hear His voice when I am not listening. Psalm 46 is a great read. Verse 1 & verse 10 are wonderful encouragements to my soul. 1 "God is our refuge & strength. A very present help in times of trouble" and 10"Be still and know that I am God". It is so hard to "be still" when we're always trying to figure everything out, isn't it? We are a pride filled people, consumed by our flesh, and only by submission to the Spirit within us will we be able to fight this flesh. Paul said, in Romans 7:24, "O wretched man that I am! who shall deliver me from this body of death?" I identify with these words far more than I'd like to. I find myself crying out continually. Paul knew exactly what it was to wrestle with his flesh. Romans 7 described his fight, and identifies ours. He knew the power of the mind, and he knew the importance of strengthening the Spirit. In Romans 7:25 he says, "I thank God - through Jesus Christ our LORD! So then, with the mind I serve the law of God, but with the flesh, the law of sin." But Paul encourages us in this fight, and he reminds us of something very important in Romans 8: 1-2,
"There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who walk not according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of Life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death." AMEN!! There is NO condemnation! God doesn't want us to sit by & wallow in our self pity. Those are self defeating behaviors that the enemy takes great pleasure in, as they draw us away from God & lure us into a state of depression. One of my favorite verses in times of trouble is in Isaiah 43:1b-3a, "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For I am the LORD your God, The Holy One of Israel, your Savior."
God is good...He is faithful. Yes, I have fallen off of my horse, and no doubt you will too at some point, but remember, EVERY rider falls. If you want to be one of best riders, you have to get back on.
Today is a new morning. My slate has been wiped clean & I will start all over again. God is merciful and compassionate. He knows my struggle and He loves me through it. I put my hope & trust in Him.
I leave you with this....
Lamentations 3:22-24 "Through the LORD's mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning! Great is Your Faithfulness! 'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul, 'Therefore I hope in Him!' "
God bless you in your fight for freedom!
Monday, December 3, 2007
The Half Way Point of a Cleanse
Well I'm at the halfway point of a cleansing fast, and gaining ground on the discipline needed to continue this quest for freedom. Today is day 5 of what I decided upon. 10 days is a great cleansing fast, and it gives you a jump start to starting fresh & new on any program. (See the links on fasting). Fasting cleanses the body of many toxins that lead to sickness. It also helps you gain that control you need to be a stronger captain of your own ship. Fasting helps discipline your body to be submissive to your spirit. If we want to walk in the spirit & not the flesh, it is critical to keep them in line. Fighting the enemy is constant, and you never want to take your eyes off of him, lest you fall into one of his traps. I almost fell last night. I was in my room getting ready to lay down & there was a small amount of oyster crackers in a bag where my son had left them. I actually said to myself, "Oh go ahead, there is not much in there. Just eat them quick. It can't hurt, and it'll satisfy your craving." I then proceeded to open the bag. As I was opening the bag I thought, "disobedience! You are blatantly disobeying God. You asked him to help you get through this, and when you hear the Holy Spirit's voice within you telling you not to eat it, you decide to ignore it and just do what you want anyway! The enemy is laughing right now and you are giving in to his trap." At that point I was brought back to reality. I took a deep smell of the crackers (which smelled stale, by the way) and rolled the bag back up. I then thanked God for rescuing me. That little fall "off the wagon" could've cost me a major set back. After 4 days of cleansing and discipline, I could throw it all away for a quick fix of stale oyster crackers!
The tempter is slick. He whispers thoughts in your head & you begin to believe them. Most times he gets you to believe that God doesn't care, and that eating that wonderful food will bring you such pleasure. He worked on Eve and she gave in. We get mad at Eve for her sin, but are we any different? How many times have we given into a temptation & later had to pay enormous consequences? The devil made that fruit sound like the greatest pleasure Eve could ever have. Today, there are far too many foods for me to mention that would be as enticing to me as that was to her. Giving in to the temptation consistently has brought me to the place I am today. It has always been easier to give in than to fight. Unfortunately those constant defeats have given way to a much larger defeat and my body is now paying the ultimate price.
At the end of this fast I have to decide how I want to proceed regarding eating. I so often wrestle with what the "perfect" way to eat is. I do believe that eating raw foods is the best thing for your body, and it was the diet designed for us in the garden. But I also recognize that we no longer live in the garden & God has since given us permission to eat many other things, including certain meats and fish. There are some great information sites regarding biblical eating included in the links on this page. I'm not sure which way I will choose to go, but I do know that it is better to choose "living" foods than "dead" foods and a whole foods approach is definitely the way to go. I also believe that eating something as a "treat" once in a while is not sinful, however, if that is going to set you back on an eating spree, then stay away from it for sure.
1 Cor 6:12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are expedient. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be brought under the power of anything. "
That verse is good to refer to when dealing with eating something you consider a treat. It is not a sin to eat anything, as we are no longer under the law, but under the Grace of Christ. The problem for food addicts such as myself, is that it is easy to be brought under the power of the desire those foods. If we fear that this will happen, it is better to protect ourselves and not eat it.
1 Cor 10:23 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are profitable. "All things are lawful for me," but not all things build up."
Though we are permitted to eat what we want, it may not be good for us. It is wise to keep our minds clearly focused when making decisions regarding eating. It is also wise to remember
1 Cor 10:31 "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." If we keep that our goal, it will be that much easier to make the right choices.
Off I go to face this day. I'm more tired this morning than usual, so resting a bit may be on the agenda!
Be blessed!!
The tempter is slick. He whispers thoughts in your head & you begin to believe them. Most times he gets you to believe that God doesn't care, and that eating that wonderful food will bring you such pleasure. He worked on Eve and she gave in. We get mad at Eve for her sin, but are we any different? How many times have we given into a temptation & later had to pay enormous consequences? The devil made that fruit sound like the greatest pleasure Eve could ever have. Today, there are far too many foods for me to mention that would be as enticing to me as that was to her. Giving in to the temptation consistently has brought me to the place I am today. It has always been easier to give in than to fight. Unfortunately those constant defeats have given way to a much larger defeat and my body is now paying the ultimate price.
At the end of this fast I have to decide how I want to proceed regarding eating. I so often wrestle with what the "perfect" way to eat is. I do believe that eating raw foods is the best thing for your body, and it was the diet designed for us in the garden. But I also recognize that we no longer live in the garden & God has since given us permission to eat many other things, including certain meats and fish. There are some great information sites regarding biblical eating included in the links on this page. I'm not sure which way I will choose to go, but I do know that it is better to choose "living" foods than "dead" foods and a whole foods approach is definitely the way to go. I also believe that eating something as a "treat" once in a while is not sinful, however, if that is going to set you back on an eating spree, then stay away from it for sure.
1 Cor 6:12 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are expedient. "All things are lawful for me," but I will not be brought under the power of anything. "
That verse is good to refer to when dealing with eating something you consider a treat. It is not a sin to eat anything, as we are no longer under the law, but under the Grace of Christ. The problem for food addicts such as myself, is that it is easy to be brought under the power of the desire those foods. If we fear that this will happen, it is better to protect ourselves and not eat it.
1 Cor 10:23 "All things are lawful for me," but not all things are profitable. "All things are lawful for me," but not all things build up."
Though we are permitted to eat what we want, it may not be good for us. It is wise to keep our minds clearly focused when making decisions regarding eating. It is also wise to remember
1 Cor 10:31 "Whether, then, you eat or drink or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." If we keep that our goal, it will be that much easier to make the right choices.
Off I go to face this day. I'm more tired this morning than usual, so resting a bit may be on the agenda!
Be blessed!!
Saturday, December 1, 2007
Getting Through The Toughest Day
I usually post in the morning, but today I just didn't have the chance to post when I first got up. I find that if I do miss a day of posting, it's hard to recollect my thoughts, so I just need to continue where I'm at. I've never been very good about daily logging ANYTHING but I do find that if I simply accept that & continue on, everything falls into place. If I put too much pressure on myself regarding posting, I will eventually neglect posting at all.
I'm backtracking a bit here, but there just isn't much to say about day 2, so it won't be lengthy. Late that day the detox symptoms started to kick in and I began to experience headaches and sensitivity to loud noises. The day was so busy other than that I didn't much notice what as going on. I can say that I drank a lot of water, and yes, I did crave my husband's meat lovers pizza, but other than that there wasn't much worth noting. This morning I woke up with a killer headache and I immediately knew that the detoxification process had begun. Today was admittedly the hardest day I've had so far. From prior fasting experience, I know that day 3 can tend to be one of the toughest.As if that wasn't enough, I had a heightened awareness of every food smell. Even the talk of food made me long to taste it. I made breakfast for my husband this morning and the wonderful aroma of fried onions and meat just filled my nostrils with such a burning desire to eat it. Then came pop tarts for my son, a once in a while treat. Who knew that toasted pop tarts could smell so absolutely decadent. What a sweet scent. It tantalized my senses. Each time I was faced with these temptations I was fully aware of why they were hitting me so hard. This was, after all, day 3. As if getting through this wasn't enough, I went for a visit to my mom's house, where she made one of my favorites for dinner...ziti in sauce. Oh it was just heaven to look at it! I really had to fight that one hard. All night long I watched tv with her (good ole Lifetime, her favorite channel!!) and was plagued by visions of the most eye appealing foods. It's such a great ploy of the enemy to parade these luscious foods before our eyes as we lazily sit in front of the tv. I can't count how many times in the past that those commercials effectively caused me to go to the cabinet or refrigerator & search for something that would satisfy a craving I never knew I had until I witnessed the foods on tv. The whole night was filled with temptations left & right. I even found myself sniffing the sweet smell of animal cookies in my son's paper cup!! At one point I was so overwhelmed by the whole food thing, I just went into the kitchen and stared at those ziti, still left in the pot. I started to convince myself that I could just go ahead & eat them, it wouldn't hurt anything, I could start again tomorrow. What a lie directly from the enemy! Tomorrow would not come! I knew that in my heart. If I went ahead and ate those ziti's, I would have set myself up for a major fall. I would have continued to eat everything in sight until I ate everything I wanted to. Later I would have beat myself up so bad it would have taken a lot to get me back on track. Most likely I would've wallowed in self pity for a few days before even attempting to pull myself out of the pit again. So I reminded myself of my 2 day victory, and I put my focus on the prize at the end. I pushed on, and was able to regain my mental state. My husband finally came home from work & we decided to take a ride together. He got a cup of coffee & my favorite, a banana muffin, and I got a nice hot cup of lemon water. Boy did I want that banana muffin. But I looked at myself again & reminded myself of how much I wanted to be free from this demon. The greatest challenge of the whole night was when my husband decided to stop at the taco bell on our way home & get himself 6...yes, you read right...6 soft tacos!!! Oh the smell completely filled my car! How desperately I wanted to bite into that meat filled pocket! Oh it was complete torture! But I just had to fight through it. After all, food is all around me. I have to learn how to deal with it. I got through that one by envisioning raw food delicacies, and retraining my mind to switch my focus from the food to my health. I thought of the temporary pleasure those tacos would give me and the lasting pleasure the raw foods would give me. I found that I no longer wanted them. What I wanted was to look good...to FEEL good. I could never achieve that if I kept on the road I was traveling.
At the end of this, day 3, I am tired. I fought hard today, but the victory was sweet. Though my senses were heightened, so was my awareness. This time when I looked in the mirror, I saw a belly that was shrinking. Not a whole lot, but shrinking enough to notice. I remembered how wonderful it felt to wear jeans with a belt. I began to look forward to that time...a time of freedom. And now, as I close this writing, I realize that I have conquered a mighty foe today. I'm off to rest for another day on the front lines!
Good night & God bless!!
I'm backtracking a bit here, but there just isn't much to say about day 2, so it won't be lengthy. Late that day the detox symptoms started to kick in and I began to experience headaches and sensitivity to loud noises. The day was so busy other than that I didn't much notice what as going on. I can say that I drank a lot of water, and yes, I did crave my husband's meat lovers pizza, but other than that there wasn't much worth noting. This morning I woke up with a killer headache and I immediately knew that the detoxification process had begun. Today was admittedly the hardest day I've had so far. From prior fasting experience, I know that day 3 can tend to be one of the toughest.As if that wasn't enough, I had a heightened awareness of every food smell. Even the talk of food made me long to taste it. I made breakfast for my husband this morning and the wonderful aroma of fried onions and meat just filled my nostrils with such a burning desire to eat it. Then came pop tarts for my son, a once in a while treat. Who knew that toasted pop tarts could smell so absolutely decadent. What a sweet scent. It tantalized my senses. Each time I was faced with these temptations I was fully aware of why they were hitting me so hard. This was, after all, day 3. As if getting through this wasn't enough, I went for a visit to my mom's house, where she made one of my favorites for dinner...ziti in sauce. Oh it was just heaven to look at it! I really had to fight that one hard. All night long I watched tv with her (good ole Lifetime, her favorite channel!!) and was plagued by visions of the most eye appealing foods. It's such a great ploy of the enemy to parade these luscious foods before our eyes as we lazily sit in front of the tv. I can't count how many times in the past that those commercials effectively caused me to go to the cabinet or refrigerator & search for something that would satisfy a craving I never knew I had until I witnessed the foods on tv. The whole night was filled with temptations left & right. I even found myself sniffing the sweet smell of animal cookies in my son's paper cup!! At one point I was so overwhelmed by the whole food thing, I just went into the kitchen and stared at those ziti, still left in the pot. I started to convince myself that I could just go ahead & eat them, it wouldn't hurt anything, I could start again tomorrow. What a lie directly from the enemy! Tomorrow would not come! I knew that in my heart. If I went ahead and ate those ziti's, I would have set myself up for a major fall. I would have continued to eat everything in sight until I ate everything I wanted to. Later I would have beat myself up so bad it would have taken a lot to get me back on track. Most likely I would've wallowed in self pity for a few days before even attempting to pull myself out of the pit again. So I reminded myself of my 2 day victory, and I put my focus on the prize at the end. I pushed on, and was able to regain my mental state. My husband finally came home from work & we decided to take a ride together. He got a cup of coffee & my favorite, a banana muffin, and I got a nice hot cup of lemon water. Boy did I want that banana muffin. But I looked at myself again & reminded myself of how much I wanted to be free from this demon. The greatest challenge of the whole night was when my husband decided to stop at the taco bell on our way home & get himself 6...yes, you read right...6 soft tacos!!! Oh the smell completely filled my car! How desperately I wanted to bite into that meat filled pocket! Oh it was complete torture! But I just had to fight through it. After all, food is all around me. I have to learn how to deal with it. I got through that one by envisioning raw food delicacies, and retraining my mind to switch my focus from the food to my health. I thought of the temporary pleasure those tacos would give me and the lasting pleasure the raw foods would give me. I found that I no longer wanted them. What I wanted was to look good...to FEEL good. I could never achieve that if I kept on the road I was traveling.
At the end of this, day 3, I am tired. I fought hard today, but the victory was sweet. Though my senses were heightened, so was my awareness. This time when I looked in the mirror, I saw a belly that was shrinking. Not a whole lot, but shrinking enough to notice. I remembered how wonderful it felt to wear jeans with a belt. I began to look forward to that time...a time of freedom. And now, as I close this writing, I realize that I have conquered a mighty foe today. I'm off to rest for another day on the front lines!
Good night & God bless!!
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